A Woman on the Edge: An Introduction
On the edge of what? you might ask. I’m not sure even I know that. But I can definitely hear the unmistakable whistling of wind below me, and I can’t see the ground.
I didn’t end up 37, divorced and childless on purpose. Some people would absolutely choose to be single, or at least unmarried, with no dependents, in their late thirties. Good for them, but that’s not what I dreamt of as a child who bought the Disney fairytale and believed she met her prince at university. The wedding was glorious. The split and divorce were messy. I believe most are when there are genuine feelings involved. But I don’t want to dwell on that; it was a long time ago, and I actually feel a far better person for it: wiser, stronger. Destiny’s Child would be proud of me.
I’ve had relationships since, including one amazing long-term partnership which ultimately broke down as my (early!) mid-life crisis took hold and I realised I wanted a different kind of life. I’m not proud of the casualties I left behind. But I still wanted the fairytale.
There’s a line in the movie The Holiday where Kate Winslet’s character suddenly wakes up to the fact that she deserves better: “You’re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life for God’s sake.” This resonated with me.
My family would laugh at this. They call me a drama queen. It’s true; I don’t shy from the limelight. But I wasn’t the leading lady I wanted to be. (Rita Hayworth in case anyone’s interested.)
2014 presented me with some amazing opportunities. I started co-writing two movies, and people liked what I did. And then one day, during a Pinterest binge, I came across two memes which seemed to conspire together to speak to me, and I decided to turn my life upside down there and then. The first said: “Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith.” (Margaret Shepard), the second: “She took the leap and built her wings on the way down.”
So I guess I’m not technically a woman on the edge at all. I leapt. I’m falling. I’m working hard on my wings.
I’m also broke, scared and lonely at times. But I’m still excited.
Unlike Kate Winslet’s character, I haven’t yet found a Jack Black to sweep me off my feet – though in truth, I’d opt for Jude Law given the choice. Sorry Jack. So I’m back in the wonderfully bleak world of online dating. More on that to follow.
The word I’ve heard most from others is ‘brave’. For some I think it’s synonymous with ‘stupid’. For others I think it echoes of their own latent desire to break free from the life they were dealt.
I don’t feel brave. Whilst I’ve done the hard bit, taken the leap into this giddy new adventure, I still feel like a woman on the edge. Perhaps it’s the edge of something great, who knows? I have no idea where I’m headed, but I have faith, and sometimes, I think I can see a feather or two appearing.